I had went out to breakfast over a year ago with this nurse from work, and I haven't really seen or talked to her since then. I got a call recently which woke me from my 11 am sleep, and my first thought was, "Who the hell is Shelly?" Ever since I've had a cell phone, I've never spring-cleaned my phone book on it. Keeping in mind I'm still in the famous Ryan-half-daze, the conversation was as followed:
"Hello?"
"Kevin?"
"...yeah?" (At this point, I think I've got it figured out who it is)
"You're in the military, right?"
"No..."
"Oh, who is this?"
...at this point, I explained who I was and how she knew me, which took longer than was needed, or so I thought...
"Oh, how have you been, Kevin? I'm going to start a short dialog with you now in order to pretend that I care about what's going on in your life." (This is the paraphrased version)
"Yep" (Then an awkward pause)
"I have this friend who is in the military and she's in trouble. She's an identical twin and she had her sister go to boot camp instead of her, and she just got caught. Do you know anyone in the military that might be able to help her out?"
"No, I don't think so. I'm also moving back to NY soon, so I don't think I'd be of much help."
"Blah Blah Blah... Okay, we should hang out sometime before you move back to NY."
"Yeah, definitely (NOT!); I will catch you later."
"Bye"
I am only reminded of this conversation now because I saw her in the Walmart parking lot yesterday. We were both walking in at the same time, so I was cordially short when I said, "Hey, I'm in a bit of a rush, so I'll catch you later."
The conversation we had on the phone was funny for a few reasons. First of all, I had that half asleep mentality which made me want to end the noise that was keeping me up as soon as possible, but the opposing force was sheer curiosity into why she was calling.
When I had learned what her friend did, my first thought was, "That sounds like the plot of a bad '80's movie." That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of someone doing. Not only does she have to convince herself it's a good idea to play "Parent Trap" with Uncle Sam, but she'd have to convince her sister to go to boot camp for it. Either they both are genetically stupid, or they had equal portions of lead paint when they were younger.
I was offended on behalf of the real Kevin she was trying to call because I sure as hell wouldn't
want to get tangled in that mess. I could see the court martial now: "Yes, your honor. I would like to speak on behalf of these two total strangers, whose hair-brained scheme cost the military several thousands of dollars. If you could let my commanding officers know about this, I'm sure it would do wonders for my career."
My favorite part of the conversation was the suggestion to hang out before I move back home. "Saying that it took me a good two minutes explaining who I was to you in order for you to figure it out, I definitely think it'd be a good idea for us to reminisce. Speaking of which, remember that time when we had coffee and a bagel after work? That was awesome..."
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Silly statements...
Here are some red flags when it comes to relationship advice being given to you:
-People who have been in multiple failed relationships, back-to-back, have already invalidated their opinion on relationships, so don't listen to them.
-People who are single and say, "Long distance relationships never work out." You could point out that thus far, no relationships have worked out for them, but that'd just be mean, but funny.
I am reminded of a girl I met who wanted me to ask her out, she was 24, had two kids, and had been married TWICE. At first, I was thinking to myself, "There's a common denominator there, and I want nothing to do with that equation." Then, I thought to myself, "Perhaps she just has horrific taste in men," which definitely made me question myself.
She got really mad at me and said, "You're not going to find anyone your age who doesn't have kids." I tried to be civil and polite when I said, "Well, I'm single, I don't have kids, and I'm my age." Her reply was storming off...
On a completely unrelated note- if you're ever in Missouri, and you hear someone use the term, "Eight up," they are actually saying, "Ate up." For the longest time, I thought, "What the hell are they talking about, "Eight Up?"" It means to be damaged or inefficient. I had figured it out in context, but I still didn't know what the number "eight" had to do with anything. Silly me.
-People who have been in multiple failed relationships, back-to-back, have already invalidated their opinion on relationships, so don't listen to them.
-People who are single and say, "Long distance relationships never work out." You could point out that thus far, no relationships have worked out for them, but that'd just be mean, but funny.
I am reminded of a girl I met who wanted me to ask her out, she was 24, had two kids, and had been married TWICE. At first, I was thinking to myself, "There's a common denominator there, and I want nothing to do with that equation." Then, I thought to myself, "Perhaps she just has horrific taste in men," which definitely made me question myself.
She got really mad at me and said, "You're not going to find anyone your age who doesn't have kids." I tried to be civil and polite when I said, "Well, I'm single, I don't have kids, and I'm my age." Her reply was storming off...
On a completely unrelated note- if you're ever in Missouri, and you hear someone use the term, "Eight up," they are actually saying, "Ate up." For the longest time, I thought, "What the hell are they talking about, "Eight Up?"" It means to be damaged or inefficient. I had figured it out in context, but I still didn't know what the number "eight" had to do with anything. Silly me.
Monday, May 12, 2008
A poor representation...
Okay, I feel I need to further explain my infinite universe theory. I have heard the argument that since there are an infinite number of stars in the universe, then Earth has happened by random occurrence. I will now put forth my rebuttal.
The probability of rolling 10 dice and getting all sixes is 1/60466176. Needles to say it's pretty remote that someone would roll all sixes on one roll. Let's look at in an equation. We'll say that x=the number of rolls, and y=the probability that you will get all sixes. The equation is (y = x/60466176). Think about it on a graph. If x = 1, y = 1/60466176, which is pretty darn close to zero. Let's look at it in a table for example purposes.
x y
1 1/60466176
2 1/30233088
3 1/20755392
4 1/15116544
and so on...
Unless you roll it several million times, you don't have a realistic chance of getting all sixes. Let's say you were to roll it an infinite number of times. Not only would you definitely get all sixes, you would get all sixes an infinite amount of times. As x approaches infinity, y approaches it as well; the graph is exponential. This equation would work out if you were trying for 100 sixes. It's a mathematical fact. The probability you start out with does not change what this function looks like.
Let's tie this into the theory that the universe is infinite, and we are here by random occurrence. The chances of earth happening is a probability (just like our dice from before). If earth were to happen because of infinite rolls of the dice, then there has to be an infinite number of earths. Therefore, there are an infinite number of Kevin's, writing this same blog. If you were to say, "Earth may have happened again, but it may not have turned out another blogging Kevin", I would remind you that I am a probability. Being a probability, I would be subject to infinite rolls within the infinite earths, so there would be an infinite number of blogging Kevin's.
Anything you can think of happening, no matter how improbable and ridiculous, must happen not only once, but an infinite number of times. I know that it seems unlikely that someone named Fonzie actually did jump a shark while wearing a leather jacket, but I assure you this has happened on numerous occasions. That's if you believe in random events occurring, based on infinite chances.
Frankly, I don't because it's absurd...
The probability of rolling 10 dice and getting all sixes is 1/60466176. Needles to say it's pretty remote that someone would roll all sixes on one roll. Let's look at in an equation. We'll say that x=the number of rolls, and y=the probability that you will get all sixes. The equation is (y = x/60466176). Think about it on a graph. If x = 1, y = 1/60466176, which is pretty darn close to zero. Let's look at it in a table for example purposes.
x y
1 1/60466176
2 1/30233088
3 1/20755392
4 1/15116544
and so on...
Unless you roll it several million times, you don't have a realistic chance of getting all sixes. Let's say you were to roll it an infinite number of times. Not only would you definitely get all sixes, you would get all sixes an infinite amount of times. As x approaches infinity, y approaches it as well; the graph is exponential. This equation would work out if you were trying for 100 sixes. It's a mathematical fact. The probability you start out with does not change what this function looks like.
Let's tie this into the theory that the universe is infinite, and we are here by random occurrence. The chances of earth happening is a probability (just like our dice from before). If earth were to happen because of infinite rolls of the dice, then there has to be an infinite number of earths. Therefore, there are an infinite number of Kevin's, writing this same blog. If you were to say, "Earth may have happened again, but it may not have turned out another blogging Kevin", I would remind you that I am a probability. Being a probability, I would be subject to infinite rolls within the infinite earths, so there would be an infinite number of blogging Kevin's.
Anything you can think of happening, no matter how improbable and ridiculous, must happen not only once, but an infinite number of times. I know that it seems unlikely that someone named Fonzie actually did jump a shark while wearing a leather jacket, but I assure you this has happened on numerous occasions. That's if you believe in random events occurring, based on infinite chances.
Frankly, I don't because it's absurd...
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Racism, and finding humor in others stupidity...
Since I've been in Missouri (Misery), I've heard many people start a sentence with, "I'm not racist or anything, but..." This is fundamentally humorous to me because they're essentially saying "I'm about to say something racist, but don't label me as a racist."
I equate it with someone saying, "I wouldn't say I ABUSE crack cocaine per say, but..." or "I don't like chick flicks, but there's something about Matthew McConaughey..." You're pretty much setting yourself up for an idiotic embarrassment.
If one were to finish the sentence in a way that would not in fact be racist, I assume it might sound something like, "...but I find rap music annoying" (this is just an example. I love T-Pain). The problem lies with the fact that no one would ever end that sentence that way because no one would begin a sentence that way to make such a point. It usually ends with, "... it was a little to dark down there for my liking" (referring to a city) or "... I'd burn in hell before marrying a black woman" (In response to what they thought of interracial marriages).
I find that correcting these people would be a waste of breath, so my usual response is, "huh..." and then I walk away. The "huh" is easily done through the natural course of breathing, so little energy is wasted on such stupidity.
I'm glad I'm moving back to NY...
I equate it with someone saying, "I wouldn't say I ABUSE crack cocaine per say, but..." or "I don't like chick flicks, but there's something about Matthew McConaughey..." You're pretty much setting yourself up for an idiotic embarrassment.
If one were to finish the sentence in a way that would not in fact be racist, I assume it might sound something like, "...but I find rap music annoying" (this is just an example. I love T-Pain). The problem lies with the fact that no one would ever end that sentence that way because no one would begin a sentence that way to make such a point. It usually ends with, "... it was a little to dark down there for my liking" (referring to a city) or "... I'd burn in hell before marrying a black woman" (In response to what they thought of interracial marriages).
I find that correcting these people would be a waste of breath, so my usual response is, "huh..." and then I walk away. The "huh" is easily done through the natural course of breathing, so little energy is wasted on such stupidity.
I'm glad I'm moving back to NY...
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Things that make me ponder...
For some reason, the midwest has some of the best church signs in the country. My favorite one by far is, "God answers knee-mail." I recently read one that confused and bewildered me. It read "Harry Potter is a devil of a good read." I'm not quite sure of their intention, but I disagree on whatever claim they're making.
I know a lot of people in the Church think Harry Potter is leading our kids to witchcraft and what not, but I have yet to see anyone try to cast a batty-wing face charm on anyone due to reading these novels. I really don't think people are going hell for reading it.
I fundamentally disagree with their statement that it is indeed a devil of a good read. It's predictable crap. I'm not even going into the serious plot holes. If anything, the last book was rushed and boring. They really should have released a paperback version of it; I'm a bit pissed at myself for spending 20$ on it.
I know a lot of people in the Church think Harry Potter is leading our kids to witchcraft and what not, but I have yet to see anyone try to cast a batty-wing face charm on anyone due to reading these novels. I really don't think people are going hell for reading it.
I fundamentally disagree with their statement that it is indeed a devil of a good read. It's predictable crap. I'm not even going into the serious plot holes. If anything, the last book was rushed and boring. They really should have released a paperback version of it; I'm a bit pissed at myself for spending 20$ on it.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be ashamed...
When they taught people here in Missoura how to make pizza, I think rather than using conventional methods such as a telephone, they actually played "telephone" across half the continental United States. That's the only explanation I can come up with on why they make it so wrong.
I'm not even going to go into how the pizza tastes here; I realize we're pretty far from New York, so what can one expect? What troubles me is how everywhere around here cuts their circular pizza into squares. The only situation where square pizzas are acceptable in my book is in regards the sheet pizzas. Much to my surprise, they don't have sheet pizzas down here. No one has heard of them.
They are having a dessert contest at work, and though I probably won't partake in eating because of my self-diagnosed Hep-C-phobia, I am thinking about entering a dessert. I was thinking about an apple pie or something, but rather than cutting it into wedges, I was going to cut it into squares. One wouldn't want to break suite.
I'm not even going to go into how the pizza tastes here; I realize we're pretty far from New York, so what can one expect? What troubles me is how everywhere around here cuts their circular pizza into squares. The only situation where square pizzas are acceptable in my book is in regards the sheet pizzas. Much to my surprise, they don't have sheet pizzas down here. No one has heard of them.
They are having a dessert contest at work, and though I probably won't partake in eating because of my self-diagnosed Hep-C-phobia, I am thinking about entering a dessert. I was thinking about an apple pie or something, but rather than cutting it into wedges, I was going to cut it into squares. One wouldn't want to break suite.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Things that are coming back from childhood...
I've been taking a trip back in time to enjoy many childhood activities lately. I've learned many things by doing so...
Remember how PEZ dispensers only come with three packages of PEZ? I always had a tough time deciding which dispenser to pick because the lamest ones always seemed to have the best flavors. Spiderman always seemed to have two lemons and an orange, yet Marge Simpson always had grape and cherry. Oddly enough, I think lemon might be my favorite flavor now.
If you think about PEZ dispensers, they are a bit disturbing. Essentially, you have to bite the neck of the innocent cartoon character in order to have a delicious treat. That's a little vampire-esque if you ask me.
Board games are still just as much fun now than they were when I was little. The biggest problem I have is that people I play against are never competitive enough. When I play, I play to win (with the hopes of making someone cry as well).
My favorite childhood activity has to be the lack of cup usage in my house. Why pour a drink from one container to another when I can pour it directly into my gastro-intestinal track? This eliminates the middleman AND eliminates the need to wash another dish.
Something I did yesterday seemed like a good idea at the time, but resulted in an aesthetically displeasing concoction. I had a little grape punch mix left and I didn't want it to go to waste, so I mixed it with lemonade mix. If you can get past the fact that it looks like murky pond water, it really is a delicious beverage.
Remember how PEZ dispensers only come with three packages of PEZ? I always had a tough time deciding which dispenser to pick because the lamest ones always seemed to have the best flavors. Spiderman always seemed to have two lemons and an orange, yet Marge Simpson always had grape and cherry. Oddly enough, I think lemon might be my favorite flavor now.
If you think about PEZ dispensers, they are a bit disturbing. Essentially, you have to bite the neck of the innocent cartoon character in order to have a delicious treat. That's a little vampire-esque if you ask me.
Board games are still just as much fun now than they were when I was little. The biggest problem I have is that people I play against are never competitive enough. When I play, I play to win (with the hopes of making someone cry as well).
My favorite childhood activity has to be the lack of cup usage in my house. Why pour a drink from one container to another when I can pour it directly into my gastro-intestinal track? This eliminates the middleman AND eliminates the need to wash another dish.
Something I did yesterday seemed like a good idea at the time, but resulted in an aesthetically displeasing concoction. I had a little grape punch mix left and I didn't want it to go to waste, so I mixed it with lemonade mix. If you can get past the fact that it looks like murky pond water, it really is a delicious beverage.
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